List of people who ought to be killed

King Carlin once compiled a list of people who ‘ought to be killed’. This is one of the greatest acts of philanthropy in human history, for truly there are lots of people who ought to be killed so that the more deserving ones can live in peace. The list was comprehensive for its day, but sadly Carlin died before the internet age, which has spawned scores of other categories of people who ought to be killed. This young Padawan, who hates people as much as the Jedi master did, has taken on the mantle of carrying forward his much-needed work, so that someday it can come to fruition and make the world livable again.

Here’s a list of people who ought to be killed:

1.    Those who suffer from sapiosexuality, wanderlust, or bibliophilia: I don’t mean those who have these traits, but those who use these very words to describe their traits. I was first introduced to these words by tinder bios, so it’s only fitting that I leave a screenshot to explain things better.

I did hate myself a tad more after swiping right on her. She was really hot. I'm sorry.

2.    People who join tinder for ‘friendship’: How sad are their lives, that they need tinder to make friends? And somehow none of these friendship-seekers swipes right profiles of the same gender. 

      Sad and discriminatory – put ‘em down!
Again, live examples help. Yes, I am that bastard who collects screenshots of funny tinder profiles.

I didn't swipe right on her. But then she was ugly.

3.     Pouting mirror-selfie dudes and babes: Ah, I have a special place for them in my dark heart. Nothing would give me greater comfort than taking away their boundless joy when they pose in a mirror, contort their lips, tilt their head to one side, and click. These people need some good old torture leading to death - Scaphism, maybe?

4.    Those who take vows of eternal togetherness with their partner on Facebook, and change them every few weeks: Somehow Tim Urban missed giving them a special mention in his post ‘7 ways to be insufferable on Facebook’. But well, I didn’t.

5.  Drivers who honk more than thrice per km of driving: I probably can’t kill them, but I have been hatching plans to deflate the tyres of their vehicles. Do hit me up if you know of a ball-like implement with iron nails sticking out of it.

6.  Instagrammers who use more than 7 hashtags on their pics:  #oughttobekilled #die #diepainfully #deservetodie #burdenontheworld #noonecares

7.    People who lament the death of every celebrity: Alan Rickman, Mohammad Ali, Christina Grimmie (what, who’s she?), Prince etc. etc. Who’s next – Rakhi Sawant? Yaar, y u no die yourself? Go up there and give them company, if you love them so much.

8.  Those who change their Facebook DP to various shades depending on whether there was a terror attack/court ruling/moment of national pride: Go die, you good-for-nothing wannabe activists.

9.    Those who think all bloodshed and wars are solely the politicians’ doing, and the “people are nice and still love each other”: I don’t know about the existence of such people, but if you think so you’re certainly stupidus_maximus, and the human race doesn’t need you. Please die.

10.   Salman Khan: If you need a reason for him to be on the list please add yourself to it.

11.   Those who own such cars:  

I was tempted to include all those who've watched Kabali

This blog post is unlike most others, since it is actionable by its very design. If you find yourself on the list, please make immediate arrangements to kill yourself. If you don’t, please start thinking of how to kill those who are.

Thanks, dear reader. With your cooperation we can make this world a better place J